a little nugget of humor [Archive]

Silver-Dollar

07-20-2012, 05:02 PM

After I got food poisoning from the undercooked Merguez sausage, I was going to take a picture of all the vomit bags that I filled and post them as a picture of the restaurant.

Instead, I lay in bed recovering for three days, and I had to move the vomit bags because they reminded me too much of the food at this shitbox cafe.

I hope this place burns to the ground.

When I went for lunch, the place was clearly understaffed -- the owner worked the register and the kitchen simultaneously, while yelling on the phone at his employee to get to work immediately. I felt sympathy for him: poor guy, he has to do all that work by himself.

I hope the mosquitoes that fly around this place carry malaria and kill him.

I ordered the Merguez sausage sandwich -- it looked delicious in the advertisement on the wall, petite and brown and spicy! The owner shuffled between the kitchen and the register in a hurry, eager to take my $7.99 and the money of all the other customers waiting and quickly churn out food, uncaring of whether it was prepared to sanitation standards.

I hope that the owner contracts polio.

I waited for THIRTY MINUTES for my Merguez sausage, enduring an episode of "Two And A Half Men" playing at an unignorably loud volume from the TV. It was an episode about feeling obligated to spend the night at a woman's place. After watching that hackneyed plot, I never wanted to kill myself so bad--until later that night when I simultaneously shit and vomited for seven hours straight.

I hope that the owner slips on hummos and breaks his hip.

Finally, I got my Merguez sausage sandwich. The sausages were big and red, like shitty Ballpark franks. They looked nothing like the picture. Oh well, I thought, I'll spare this saintly, hardworking owner my criticism. I should accept more things in my life. That was my New Year's Resolution: when life gives you lemons...

I hope that the next time the owner squeezes a lemon, it gets in his eyes.

I ate half of this shitty, mediocre Merguez sausage, and threw the rest away. It was inedible. Lest anyone tries to make the argument that I may have gotten food-poisoning from something else, I ate nothing else for the rest of the day except a donut (to get the taste of Merguez bullshit out of my mouth) and some carrots (to repent for eating nothing but Merguez sausage and donuts all day), when around 8:30, it began.

I vomited. No biggie. Just an average, "I'm a little nauseous" vomit. I had my shirt off, because that's what I do when I vomit, and I looked in the mirror and noticed something funny: my stomach was distended like a starving child. Strange.

I left to go run some errands, and when I came back, I felt a gurgling in my stomach, and, between that moment and 3:30 am, I was little more than an animal, helplessly and dirtily shuffling between my bed and my toilet, spraying Merguez liquid from my various orifices. I think that the only normal bodily function that would have come out of me was pee, but my body devoted all of its liquid to my lower intestines, so I wouldn't know.

I literally prayed to Jesus Christ to save me from the Hell I was in. I'm an atheist, and this Merguez sausage made me pray to Jesus Christ. Maybe some people reading this review will run out and invest in Merguez sausage botulism wraps for their heathen friends, but believe me, fellow humans: no matter what you believe in, the food poisoning you get from this place will make you doubt.

I'm leaving this review up until the owner posts pictures of himself eating the same undercooked Merguez sausage that gave me food poisoning.

With all that said, given the scarcity of reasonably priced and fresh-tasting food around central Los Angeles, I give it three stars.