Whaler
06-26-2009, 09:20 AM
> Oil Change instructions for Women:
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
> reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and
> leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
>
> Oil Change:
>
> $30.00
> Coffee: $1.00
> Total: $31.00
> ==========
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men :
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts
> store and buy a case of oil, filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
> tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
>
> 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer,
> (debit $20), drive home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for
> jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and
> drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil:
> splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil
> off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil
> drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
> wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
> screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping
> oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter
> among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.. Drink a beer..
>
> 17) Install new oil filter making sure to
> apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
>
> 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into
> engine.
>
> 19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..
>
> 21) Drink beer.
>
> 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil
> is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor
> spill. Drink beer.
>
> 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter
> into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with
> stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame
> removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
>
> 25) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because
> wrench hit bowling trophy..
>
> 28) Beer.
>
> 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required
> to stop blood flow.
>
> 30) Beer.
>
> 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 32) Beer..
>
> 33) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
> to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
>
> 35) Beer.
>
> 36) Test drive car.
>
> 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
> under the influence.
>
> 38) Car gets impounded.
>
> 39) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound
> yard.
>
> Money spent:
> Parts: $50.00
> DUI: $2500.00
> Impound fee: $75.00
> Bail: $1500.00
> Beer: $20..00
> Total: $4,145.00
> But you know the job was done right!
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
> reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
>
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and
> leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
>
> Oil Change:
>
> $30.00
> Coffee: $1.00
> Total: $31.00
> ==========
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men :
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts
> store and buy a case of oil, filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
> tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
>
> 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer,
> (debit $20), drive home.
>
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
>
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for
> jack stands.
>
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..
>
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and
> drink it.
>
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil:
> splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
>
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil
> off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil
> drain.
>
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter
> wrench.
>
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
> screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
>
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping
> oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter
> among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.. Drink a beer..
>
> 17) Install new oil filter making sure to
> apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
>
> 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into
> engine.
>
> 19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>
> 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..
>
> 21) Drink beer.
>
> 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil
> is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
>
> 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor
> spill. Drink beer.
>
> 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter
> into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with
> stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame
> removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
>
> 25) Begin cussing fit.
>
> 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>
> 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because
> wrench hit bowling trophy..
>
> 28) Beer.
>
> 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required
> to stop blood flow.
>
> 30) Beer.
>
> 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>
> 32) Beer..
>
> 33) Lower car from jack stands.
>
> 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
> to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
>
> 35) Beer.
>
> 36) Test drive car.
>
> 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
> under the influence.
>
> 38) Car gets impounded.
>
> 39) Call loving wife, make bail.
>
> 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound
> yard.
>
> Money spent:
> Parts: $50.00
> DUI: $2500.00
> Impound fee: $75.00
> Bail: $1500.00
> Beer: $20..00
> Total: $4,145.00
> But you know the job was done right!